Ramblings about "The Desolation of Smaug"

[nessaniel]

HERE BE SPOILERS, LOTS OF SPOILERS, HEAD BACK IF YOU DON'T WANT ANY SPOILERS, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, SPOILER SPOILER SPOILERS
I'm making a list because I am too goddamn tired to write a coherent text. Also, fangirlism prevents me from stringing more than three words together without erupting into screams and glitter

- LEGOLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS, shit, I am twelve again, God damn it, where are my five bazillion posters, remember the times when I went to a copy shop and photocopied a DIN-A-4 picture of him out of my "Lord of the Rings - The Fellowship of the Ring - Making of" book, just because I wanted to tape it onto my notepad... ahh good times

- we watched it in 3D and "more frames per second than there are hanging in the Louvre". I was wary of that because I had heard people tell that some of the scenes looked too clean and a bit like a soap opera but all in all I was floored by the sheer detail and colorfulness in every shot. Granted, some of the close ups were really really unflattering (I DO NOT WISH TO COUNT THE WRINKLES ON McKELLEN'S FACE REALLY) but everything with Smaug rocked my socks off AND LEE PACE'S FACE NEEDS TO BE IN MORE THINGS. <333

- Ahh, Smaug - I knew beforehand that he would have only four limbs and during the scenes inside Erebor he looked formidable, very threatening and fearsome, agility and cunning badassery mixed together in 50 tons of dragon scales. Then he bursts out of the mountain to lay waste to Esgaroth and UGH I didn't like it that much anymore. But his facial expressions (WAIT, CUMBERBATCH DID ALSO THE MOTION CAPTURE OH WOW HOW COME I NEVER HEARD OF THAT BEFORE /sarcasm) and the dialogue was all kinds of amazing and beautiful to watch

- Thorin calling Smaug fat was glorious. As was the whole "let's drown the dragon in tons of liquid gold" scene. By Ilúvatar, dwarves are awesome!

- Thorin himself was... my dear God, Richard Armitage is playing the role of his life with that. IF ONLY PETER JACKSON WEREN'T SO FOND OF HIS MOTHERFUCKING CONTRIVED PJ-CONFLICTS... seriously, they almost completely erased his character development from the first movie (WHYYYYY!!!) so his sympathy suffers A LOT. Why is he such a dick to Bilbo all of a sudden. I mean, I'm headcanoning my way through everything but even I have my limits (a lot of fans are angry at Thorin for forbidding Kili from coming with them, saying that the only important thing for Thorin is the treasure, and yeah one could get that vibe off of him but seriously, Kili is dying of poison, he made him stay because he didn't want his nephew to die on a bare mountain side when there is every chance he might get healthy again in Esgaroth and THAT'S INCREDIBLY SWEET AND NOT MOTIVATED BY GOLD/TREASURE AT ALL HE IS JUST SHITTY AT EXPRESSING HIS CONCERN PROPERLY BUT THEN HE IS ALL DICKISH TO BILBO THREATENING HIM WITH A SWORD AND WHATNOT, PJ WHAT ARE YOU DOING STOP IT WITH THE CONTRIVED CONFLICT, THE ARKENSTONE IS NOT THE ONE RING?!?!?

- WHY ARE THERE SO MANY ORCS WITH NAMES, REALLY, NOBODY CARES ABOUT THE ORCS! Dol Guldur looked nice though and badass fighter!Gandalf always wins my heart - EVEN THOUGH THEY WENT A BIT OVERBOARD WITH THE WHOLE 90'ies MUSIC VIDEO EFFECTS on the Necromancer

- is it just me or did the Woodland-Elves' Elvish sound really terrible and dull? Like... Ruhrpott-Elbisch? I mean it would make sense, they are not as high and mighty as Galadriel and her people but still. Dude, no wonder Thranduil is so pissed off, the others are probably always making fun of his stupid accent (granted, the Elves of Lothlorien should have the same BUT SHHH, do not disturb the headcanon)

- Thranduil's wound. Oh my God, I think I died when they showed his half-burnt face that he has to hide with non-nonsensical Elven magic. It was tragic, it was beautiful and it saved him from becoming another Denethor, aka "insufferable honorless brat for no reason whatsoever". He is afraid of dragons and rightfully so. Also, his son is an idiot. A BEAUTIFUL, STUCK UP BITCH GLORIOUS IDIOT, LEMME KISS THE EARTH, THEY HAD A LITTLE THROWBACK TO GIMLI AND OH MY GOD LEGOLAS, YOU ARE GOING TO MARRY A DWARF STOP BEING A RACIST LITTLE SHIT <33333 (No, never stop, it was freaking perfect, and wow, for once he always wore his blue contacts, I'm proud of him. <33)

- I am shipping Kili and Tauriel and I am fully prepared to battle everyone on this. They are so goddamn likeable, really, Tauriel being happy that she finally has someone to joke around with who might be even more unattainable than Prince Bitchin'las himself but who won't get her into trouble with her king - yeah that worked totally well. I liked the healing scene in Esgaroth (although... why was he in a bowl of walnuts? xD), and the glowy effects and the whole "STARLIGHT IS BEAUTIFUL, CAN YOU FINALLY SEE IT"-dialogue was incredibly sweet and heartbreaking AND I NEED AN EVERYBODY LIVES AU PLEASE Q__Q  I've seen people argue back and forth about this pairing but GAWD, I love them to death and they gave me all the Legolas/Gimli-feels and that's always appreciated and I am about to cry because I know how they will end and LEGOLAS STOP GETTING IN THE WAY OF MY ROMANCE, YOU ARE GETTING YOUR OWN DWARF BOYFRIEND SOON ENOUGH. Most people have a problem with Tauriel being the only female character and then having a romance with another guy and yes, yes I get it, I get all the rage and if this was anything else than "The Hobbit" I'd be all up in arms too - but they handled it so well and there really weren't any weird vibes between them? Tauriel doesn't state even once that she is into him (that quip about his height to Legolas was just that - a quip to get the idiot prince to shut up) and she makes it clear that she wants to leave the Woodland Realm right after they capture the dwarves (THOSE STUPID FUCKING SPIDERS EYYY), soooo her leaving after Thranduil throws his tantrum is not motivated by her wanting to rescue the cute as heck dwarf but to finally change something and fight against the goddamn evil that is tainting her home. If she gets a cute dwarf who is totally into her out of that, why not. THE ONLY ONE to make this weird is Legolas, SERIOUSLY, BOY, GET OVER YOURSELF, judging from what your dad said your flirting technique is on par with that of Mulan's Shang ("Legolas told me, you fought well today.") THEN NO WONDER YOUR GIRL IS OFF TO GET HERSELF SOME DWARVISH FUN. I am sorry for Evangeline Lilly that the editing put some love triangle stuff into the movie it would have worked much better without it but overall it wasn't too obvious for me so PLEASE SOMEONE WRITE ME THAT AU, WHERE THEY ARE RUNNING OFF AFTER THE STUPID DRAGON DOES ALL THE STUPID DRAGON SHIT AND MAYBE THEY DON'T STAY TOGETHER FOR TOO LONG, BECAUSE SERIOUSLY, IT'S PUPPY LOVE AND BURNS OUT LIKE THREE WEEKS AFTER, BUT UNCLE KILI COMES BACK TO EREBOR AND TELLS WEE LITTLE GIMLI OF HOW FANCY ELVES ARE AND THAT ALL THE OTHER DWARVES ARE DUMB AND GIMLI IS TOO YOUNG TO UNDERSTAND BUT WHEN HE SEES LEGOLAS FOR THE FIRST TIME HE FALLS IN LOVE WITH HIM BUT THAT IS WRONG AND STUFF THEREFORE HE IS INSUFFERABLE TO HIM AND OH MY GOD SOMEONE WRITE ME DWARF/ELF-ROMANCES PLEASE I AM ON MY KNEES RIGHT NOW

- the German dubbing is the worst in some parts (BEORN AS BATMAN, ARE YOU KIDDING ME) and awesome in others (THORIN <3) but Bilbo probably suffered the most. It doesn't help that Martin Freeman might be an awesome Bilbo but he is just not my Bilbo. Q_Q (Sir Ian Holm, thanks for existing) His comedic timing is excellent though, I can see why he was the best choice for the role - BUT SIR IAN WILL ALWAYS BE IN MY HEART <333