rant and lament and some more rant

[nessaniel]

Meh.

Today we had this video conference with oversea students from Japan and Korea and had to hold our presentation again in front of them (as in: in front of the tiny camera).

The university we spoke to was Ocha-no-Mizu-Daigaku which is the most famous women's college in all of Japan (from all the public ones that is) and the girls there were really nice and participated really well.

Funny thing: we had to bring our own laptops to show our PPPs and I didn't remove my pony icons from my desktop (as well as my Assassin's Creed background) and so the students had a good laugh. The teacher made a comment but I didn't quite catch it (my teacher and the whole class were laughing so.... uhm... xDDD). Oh well, I don't care about such things, I'm a proud pegasister. ^__^

So anyways, our presentation was quite good (although I was waaaaay too nervous to speak freely and just read most of my text) but during the asking part after that I was somehow really terrified of opening my mouth and saying something.

Most of the time I just didn't understand the questions (because the Japanese guys spoke at the speed of light and they always say like five sentences before they even ask their question O__O) and when I wanted to ask for her to repeat it please, my team member was already answering it (she's half-Japanese therefore much better in speaking than I am) and I just stood there looking stupid (but pretty because I dressed myself properly xDD). The questions weren't even that hard, one girl asked about my favourite soccer player but I just couldn't bring myself to answer that question and just shook my head. GOD DAMN KIWI YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS!!!
I really hate myself for not being brave and bold enough to actually open my mouth and just... you know... talk. I always worry that my grammar will sound stupid that I won't remember the right vocabulary and make a complete foul out of myself. I know that this is the worst approach towards learning a new language and I really don't know why I'm so terrified to speak Japanese (I'm much more open minded about speaking French and my French is HORRIBLE).

Funny though: when the other group presented their findings and our teacher asked us about our thoughts I suddenly could answer all the questions and didn't mind speaking after all. It was just... being the focus of attention and having the Japanese women stare at me somehow made me ashamed of how little Japanese I actually know. *cries in a corner*

I really really want to speak this language: I love the sound, I love the grammar, I love the verbal images. But talking to actual Japanese people terrifies me. I don't even know why.