Body positive super awesome time!

[nessaniel]

This is going to sound supersilly and it will take some time, but I need to get it off my chest because it's one of the few things to make me really really happy right now (what with the feeling of having nothing to do for a whole year and urghs, let's not talk about it it keeps me up every night already, nightmares and stuff included...) 

ANYWAY XD 
I'm an overweight person and I have been for round about 10 years now (which does include my whole puberty and that's always fun eh? xD) - my parents were... not so cool about that matter for a very long time, pressuring me into stuff like "Weight Watchers" when I was fourteen and other stupid shit (like bringing the whole family in on to the bullying of the puberty-girl, yeah, that's always superfun!) that made it kinda hard to love myself - not only my body but my personality as a whole and so I wasted my time over self-esteem issues and hurtful behaviour. This stayed with me a very long time even after I finally moved out. 
So, why am I talking about my OHHH SOOO TERRIBLE LIFE AND THOUGHTS? ; ))

Because I think I'm finally over it. 

Last week, when I was at my parents, I was trying on some pants and shirts and my mum made a comment about my "hüftgold" (Zitat: "Na, komm, wenn der Ring (Hüftspeck) da weg wäre, dann säh das doch noch besser aus." It sounds terrible, but her tone was actually very nice and respectful). 
Normally, I would have been deeply hurt  by such a comment but this time? Absolutely nothing. I didn't feel bad about myself, I didn't feel that sting in the back of my head, I didn't get that gut wrenching hollow feeling all over my stomach that usually leads to self loath for two days.
Nothing. I told her in all honestly (while still being friendly!) that I don't care about her opinion on my body (clothing/colours is a different matter) or my weight or anything. And... she just nodded and laughed and told me, that I was an insufferable brat and that I shouldn't take my ol' mummy so seriously. 

It felt great not to feel anything negative, only all the strong and beautiful thoughts about myself. <3 
Some days later my father also made a comment about my weight (he tried to make it sound positive, as in "If you keep your current weight, you can always wear those jeans!" I was wearing some skinny jeans in a beautiful blue) and I told him the same, that I don't care about his opinion. 

Same feeling of greatness and me being awesome. XD 

But the final sign was when a friend pointed out that a common enemy (our former flatmate aka the Devil's Brat xD) had lost a lot of weight over the past 10 months or so (she is a terrible person, believe me, URGHSDJSD!!!). 
Normally, if a person I know (and loathe xD) does something like that I, get incredibly jealous and feel useless and ugly and worthless - but this time? Nothing. Absolutely nothing and that's the greatest I have ever felt in my entire life. 

I don't know exactly how it happened, maybe my self esteem grew because of pinku being there for me like no one was ever before. Maybe I got older and wiser (not very likely xD especially since I have friends my own age that still suffer from this), maybe it's all that feminism and identity-construction stuff I've been reading that made me aware of how narrow my own perspective is (and what society expects from me and my body) and how to avoid that judgmental and hurtful behavior.

I am so much more than what society wants me to be and I have so much potential that I won't allow to be measured in kilograms or the centimeters around my waist.
<3333

Love to all of you. So much love. <3

Comments

[erynwen.livejournal.com]

That's so great, when you realize you don't care about what people think, right? I find it liberating *gg*

(And you look great, just so you know ^^)

[nessaniel.livejournal.com]

Liberating, exactly!! I don't care anymore about others but I especially don't hurt myself anymore which is even better. <333
Of course there are bad days, like when you don't like yourself, but it's not a daily experience anymore... xDD


(thank you! We are all absolutely stunning. <3333)